The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) :

United States Army

Infantry: Snake smells infantry. Snake exits area.

Armor: Runs over snake. Laughs. Recce for additional snakes.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Rangers: Plays with snake. Eats snake.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake. Ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineers: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates of snake. Cannot find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Airborne: Lands on snake. Kills snake.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake. Snakes do not differentiate on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.


United States Navy

Navy: Launches 50 cruise missile salvo from forward Ageis cruiser. Kills snake. Makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marines: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake. Gets lost.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition in fierce firefight. Calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.


United States Air Force

F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake. Drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake. Scores direct hit on Embassy 100 Km East of snake due to weather (previously clear but now overcast, unlimited ceiling with low hanging cloud cover). Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

B-52 pilot: Tasked for ARCLIGHT mission on snake. Kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

C-5 pilot: C-5 proceeds to snake 3 days after ETD due to MX. After repairs, C-5's loses engine in flight. Performs emergency landing at offload location. Snake drowns in flame retardant foam.

C-17 pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment. Delivers two weeks after due date.

C-130 pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment. Delivers four weeks after due date.

Combat Controllers: Uses three different Global Defense Decision Systems to get the same inaccurate coordinates of the snake and approves a Business Tool to delete the snake from the records.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Missile crew: Targets snake in 20 seconds. Cannot receive authorization from National Command Authority for nuclear release.



Military Intelligence: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.